A MESSAGE from the NEBRASKA PROBATION SYSTEM

A couple of weeks ago, my workplace was having a domestic violence fair of sorts. All kinds of literature were offered on tables around the hub of the first floor. The following was produced by the Nebraska Probation System. It is called RELATIONSHIPS: 16 suggestions that will help you conform to the principles of loving toughness in matters of the heart. Here it is:

1. DON'T LET THE RELATIONSHIP MOVE TOO FAST IN ITS INFANCY. The phrase "too hot not to cool down" has validity. Take it one step at a time.

2. DON'T DISCUSS YOUR PERSONAL INADEQUACIES AND FLAWS in great detail when the relationship is new. No matter how warm and accepting your friend may be, any great revelation of low self-esteem or embarrassing weaknesses can be fatal when interpersonal "valleys" occur. And they will occur.

3. REMEMBER THAT RESPECT PRECEDES LOVE. Build it stone upon stone.

4. DON'T CALL TOO OFTEN ON THE PHONE or give the other person an opportunity to get tired of you.

5. DON'T BE TOO QUICK TO REVEAL YOUR DESIRE TO GET MARRIED - or that you think you've just found Mr. Wonderful or Miss Marvelous. If your partner has not arrived at the same conclusion, you'll throw him/her into panic.

6. MOST IMPORTANT: RELATIONSHIPS ARE CONSTANTLY BEING "TESTED" by cautious lovers who like to nibble at the bait before swallowing the hook. This testing procedure takes many forms, but it usually involves pulling backward from the other person to see what will happen. Perhaps a foolish fight is initiated. Maybe two weeks will pass without a phone call. Or sometimes flirtation occurs with a rival. In each instance, the question being asked is, "How important am I to you and what would you do if you lost me?" An even more basic issue lies below that one. It wants to know, "How free am I to leave if I want to?" It is incredibly important in these instances to appear poised, secure, and equally independent. Do not grasp the other person and beg for mercy. Some people remain single throughout life because they cannot resist the temptation to grovel when the test occurs.

7. EXTENDING THE SAME CONCEPT, keep in mind that virtually every dating relationship that continues for a year or more and seems to be moving toward marriage will be given the ultimate test. A break-up will occur, motivated by one of the lovers. The rejected individual should know that their future together depends on the skill with which he/she handles that crisis. If the hurting individual can remain calm, the next two steps may be reconciliation and marriage. If not, then no amount of pleading will change anything.

8. DO NOT EXPECT ANYONE TO MEET ALL YOUR EMOTIONAL NEEDS. Maintain interest and activities outside the romantic relationship, even after marriage.

9. GUARD AGAINST SELFISHNESS IN YOUR LOVE AFFAIR. Neither the man nor the woman should do all the giving. Taking a girl to lunch, bringing her flowers, taking her places and expecting the same in return may not happen.

10. BEWARE OF BLINDNESS TO OBVIOUS WARNING SIGNS that tell you that your potential husband/wife is basically disloyal, hateful, spiritually uncommitted, hooked on drugs or alcohol, given to selfishness, etc. A bad marriage is far worse than the most lonely instance of singleness.

11. DON'T MARRY THE PERSON YOU THINK YOU CAN LIVE WITH; marry only the person you think you can't live without.

12. BE CAREFUL TO DEFEND THE "LINE OF RESPECT" even during a dating relationship. A man should open doors for a woman on a formal evening; a woman should speak respectfully of her escort when in public, etc. If you don't preserve this delicate line when the foundations of marriage are being laid, it will be virtually impossible to construct them later.

13. DO NOT EQUATE HUMAN WORTH WITH FLAWLESS BEAUTY OR HANDSOMENESS! If you require physical perfection in your mate, he/she may make the same demands of you. Don't let love escape you because of the false values of your culture. In the same vein, be careful not to compare yourself with others - which is the root of all inferiority.

14. IF GENUINE LOVE HAS ESCAPED YOU THUS FAR, DON'T BEGIN BELIEVING "NO ONE WOULD EVER WANT ME." That is a deadly trap that can destroy you emotionally! Millions of people are looking for someone to love. The problem is finding one another!

15. REGARDLESS OF HOW BRILLIANT THE LOVE AFFAIR HAS BEEN, TAKE TIME TO "CHECK YOUR ASSUMPTIONS" with your partner before committing yourself to marriage. It is surprising how often men and women plunge into matrimony without ever becoming aware of major differences between them. For example:

a. Do you want to have children? How soon? How many?

b. Where will you live?

c. Will the wife work? What about after children are born?

d. Who will lead in the relationship? What does that really mean?

e. How will you relate to your in-laws?

f. How will money be spent?

g. Where will you attend church?

These and dozens of other "assumptions" should be discussed item-by-item, perhaps with the help of a premarital counselor. Many future struggles can be avoided by coming to terms with potential areas of disagreement. If the differences are great enough, it is even possible that the marriage should never occur.

16. FINALLY, SEXUAL FAMILIARITY CAN BE DEADLY TO A RELATIONSHIP. In addition to spiritual and physical reasons, there are numerous psychological and interpersonal advantages to the exercise of self-control and discipline when it comes to sex. Though it is an old-fashioned notion, perhaps, it is still true that men do not respect "easy" women and often become bored with those who have held nothing in reserve. Likewise, women often disrespect men who have only one thing on their minds. Both sexes need to remember how to use a very ancient word. It's pronounced "no."

These suggestions are not guaranteed to win the hand of a lover, but they are points to ponder.

[Information provided by the NEBRASKA PROBATION SYSTEM, P.O. Box 98910, Lincoln, NE 68509]

Comment: Some of this is quaint; mostly it is a bleak and annoying attempt toward a sanguine approach to the modern marriage market. And if you think about it, number 16 trumps all, doesn't it? If one does get married, sexual familiarity follows. Right? Still, I intend to pass this along at some point to my children, because there is truth being told here. Worth sharing.

Stories should be about saying what you mean and meaning what you say.

The truth is my daughter's hair is a mess, and something must be done about this.

The truth is I spanked my son last night for pooping in his pants. The truth is, I hate hurting and humiliating him. The truth is I once pondered researching, for my B.S. senior thesis, the link between toilet training and child abuse. This, before my own household became a laboratory. The truth is fear is hardly an effective motivator for anything.

The truth is bangs are cheaper than botox, and isn't botox short for "botulism" anyway? Why would anyone inject that junk into her forehead?

The truth is this country will never get out of debt. I suspect a long rearrangement is in the works. And the whole "jobless recovery" thing baffles me. A recovery for whom? And how? Where?

The truth is I am surrounded by beauty--beauty that invites enjoyment, and respect.

The truth is, love and pity don't soundly sleep together.

The truth is that when the appliance repair man tells you that your 13-year-old washing machine needs a new transmission for $695 + tax, you will probably go explore Lowe's or some other big-box sprawlhole for a new one that was assembled somewhere other than the USA, even though you remain haunted wondering whether or not it could be worth it to fix it and thus spare it from the other sprawling junkyard-hole with all the other trashed-out consumption.

The truth is money IS really just dirty green paper.

The truth is this is a center-right-leaning nation with penchants for what we call "rugged individualism" and "exceptionalism." The truth is, the higher you fly, the faster you fall. And John Wayne probably suffered from hemorrhoids.

The truth is not so inconvenient.

The truth is sacred.

The truth will even set you free for real. I think.

Lisa shared these

Hate Poem

Julia Sheehan

I hate you. Truly I do.

Everything about me hates everything about you.

The flick of my wrist hates you.

The way I hold my pencil hates you.

The sound made by my tiniest bones were they trapped

in the jaws of a moray eel hates you.

Each corpuscle singing in its capillary hates you.

Look out! Fore! I hate you.

The blue-green jewel of sock lint I'm digging

from under my third toenail, left foot, hates you.

The history of this keychain hates you.

My sigh in the background as you explain relational databases

hates you.

The goldfish of my genius hates you.

My aorta hates you. Also my ancestors.

A closed window is both a closed window and an obvious

symbol of how I hate you.

My voice curt as a hairshirt: hate.

My hesitation when you invite me for a drive: hate.

My pleasant "good morning": hate.

You know how when I'm sleepy I nuzzle my head

under your arm? Hate.

The whites of my target-eyes articulate hate. My wit

practices it.

My breasts relaxing in their holster from morning

to night hate you.

Layers of hate, a parfait.

Hours after our latest row, brandishing the sharp glee of hate,

I dissect you cell by cell, so that I might hate each one

individually and at leisure.

My lungs, duplicitous twins, expand with the utter validity

of my hate, which can never have enough of you,

Breathlessly, like two idealists in a broken submarine.

from PLEIADES, vol. 24:2

Central Missouri State Press

Love

Martha Silano

with apologies to Julie Sheehan

I hate your kneecaps floating free

in their salty baths. I hate your knees,

both of them, and I hate your eyelashes,

especially the ones that fall out, the ones

you're supposed to wish on; I wish you

bad wishes. I hate every hair

on your hairy face, hate you as much

as I hate being put on hold,

thank you for your patience

when I have none, when patience

is as far away as my first grade teacher's

if you have nothing nice to say. . .

Your mushroom risotto: hate it.

The salmon you're defrosting: hate.

My vowels hate you.

My adverbs hate you. The backyard

hates you--the backyard with all its abandoned

dump trucks, with the giant hole our son dug

all summer while soaker hoses soaked. That hole

and all holes, including the hole in the ozone,

which of course keeps getting bigger.

Spaghetti wrapping around a fork.

Mashed spinach and carrots caught

in the rungs of a high chair, stuck

to the floor like dried green paint: hate,

hate, hate. Each furry rabbit a little furry ball

of hate. Each blackberry a messy drupe of drippy hate.

At the China Palace the plates piled high with Mu Shu

Hate, the plates now a busboy's burden of hate,

the only sound the dumpster's clanging hate hate hate.

from The Cincinnati Review

Something the kids actually ate

Slow Cooker Pork Chops

3/4 cup all-purpose flour, divided

1/2 teaspoon ground mustard

1/2 teaspoon garlic pepper blend [I used some NapaStyle Roasted Garlic Rub]

1/4 teaspoon seasoned salt

4 boneless pork loin chops (1/2 inch thick and 4 ounces each)

2 tablespoons canola oil

1 can (14-1/2 ounces) chicken broth

In a large resealable plastic bag, combine 1/2 cup flour, mustard, pepper blend and seasoned salt. Add chops, one at a time, and shake to coat. In a large skillet, brown meat in oil on each side.

Transfer to a 5-qt. slow cooker. Place remaining flour in a small bowl; whisk in broth until smooth. Pour over cops. Cover and cook on low for 3 to 3-1/2 hours or until meat is tender.

Remove pork to a serving plate and keep war. Whisk pan juices until smooth; serve with pork.

Bonus! Something the kids did not eat but is actually quite good:

Brown Rice Slaw

2 cups coleslaw mix

2 cups cooked brown rice

1 medium tart apple, chopped [I used a cameo]

1/3 cup thawed orange juice concentrate

1/3 cup mayonnaise

1 teaspoon sugar

1/4 teaspoon salt

1/4 cup copped pecans, toasted

In a large bowl, combine the coleslaw mix, rice and apple. In a small bowl, combine the orange juice concentrate, mayonnaise, sugar and salt; pour over the coleslaw mixture and toss to coat. Cover and refrigerate until serving. Stir in pecans.

This dog asks, "What's for dinner?"

(both recipes from Taste of Home Busy Family Recipes, Display until February 15, 2010)

You started it

People who can hold grudges fascinate me. I mean the "from my cold, dead hands" kind of grudge. It's ferociously perplexing to me how such (seemingly) parsimoniously spiritual beings manage to function so über-reasonably well in this world.

Quiet and cool resentment is a total fail for me. Anger comes quickly and then it's all turned over to hurt, desperation, bewilderment. . . It's hard to let go. Usually, time along with the eventual tired old redundancy (!) of insanity (doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results) moves me on.

I'm missing my dad. He was a good man. He did the very best he could, but it wasn't enough for me. I gave up (see above). And it was O.K. We had a relationship on terms he didn't exactly dictate and I didn't exactly acquiesce to, but it was the best we could do. My resentment became like a pheasant cock dashing to the ditch. It flashed pretty plumage and went away.

With his decline--full-blown cancer and alcoholic dementia; nursing home--came more pain and confusion. But it wasn't resentment I felt during his last months. It was tenderness. It was the understanding that he did the very best he could with the earthbound life he was dealt. Considering what he was dealt, he did pretty damn well. And I considered myself lucky to be a part of his history. And today, well--I'm proud to be a carrier of his cracker-ass genes, as are my children, his grandchildren. I can take what I like and leave the rest for the owls to chew and chaw on and puke up. The beauty of it all, for me, was that I ultimately did not hold a grudge. I forgave him.

I forgave him because it was the only way. Forgiveness--no matter how it happens--is the only way to peace. I regret not honoring him as I wish I could have when his spirit left his body. There were shame issues among his family members, and I wasn't strong enough to protest nor did I understand what it truly meant to have his bodily existence exit the planet.

He was a warrior whose battles were mostly fought with himself, and he doesn't fight anymore. His body lies beneath the frozen ground. He rests in peace.

We are spiritual beings. We arrive all messy and brittle, encased in our transportation for life. We walk and we talk. We scoot along. Sometimes we float! There may be times of triumph. We glow, all health and terrific smile. . . and then we do not. We stumble and fall down and we hurt others and we say stupid, completely inappropriate things.

I am moving toward being conscious of my work-in-progress-ness. In this season of darkness-into-light, I am grateful to be a walking, talking part of the spiritworld that connects us; grateful to have the chance to make mistakes, to learn from my mistakes, to change.

Appetizers for the holidays

When Kay Orr was Governor of Nebraska, her husband, Bill, produced a book called The First Gentlemen's Cookbook (Jacob North Printing Company, 1989). This book is kindly on loan to me by my husband's mother. A certain recipe caught my eye. Steak Tartare.

Okay, so my husband once told the tale of eating at a place here in this city (now defunct--the restaurant, not the city) called The Lincoln Exchange. It was in downtown Lincoln and later became Julio's (also now defunct). He ate there with a woman who became his second wife. He described the Steak Tartare as being sort of salad-like, as in served on a bed of lettuce or something. Anyway, he became violently sick soon after eating it, and one can completely understand why; here's an appetizer version (with comments), as presented in the aforementioned cookbook:

STEAK TARTARE

The only way to make this is by using good lean meat with NO fat. Credit [!!!] for the recipe goes to the chef at the Fairmont Hotel in New Orleans.

Larry Myers, President

Commercial Computer Systems

Lincoln, NE

1 lb. extra lean ground beef [you're going to fry it and drain off even the bitlets of grease, right? alas, no]

2 tsp. Grey Poupon Dijon mustard

2 tsp. capers [husband is over the moon about these; must have caught his eye when he read the dish's description on the menu. Obviously he missed the part about the RAW hamburger. But of course, he ate this in the early '80s. There probably weren't so many warning signs posted in restaurants about the dangers of eating uncharred meat]

1/4 cup chopped onion

1 tbsp. olive oil

1 tbsp. red wine vinegar

4 anchovy filets [not really???--oh no]

juice of 1/2 lemon

chopped parsley for garnish

salt and pepper

1/2 tsp. Worcestershire sauce

1 egg yolk [WHAT?]

Tabasco sauce to taste

To begin, put pepper and salt in a bowl (to your taste). Add capers, onions and anchovies and finely crush. Add lemon juice, mustard, Worcestershire sauce, egg yolk and Tabasco and mix.

Now add olive oil and wine vinegar and mix. Finally, add ground beef and toss till well blended.

Serve with melba toast or plain crackers. [Find a toilet, or a bucket, or a towel--whatever--for inevitable later use]

[These are the First Gentlemen's notes following the recipe] WDO: Larry is the kind of guy who usually is hesitant about expressing an opinion or taking a position on a particular subject [because he's sort of nauseous a lot of the time]. Some of his friends, including yours truly, have been able to draw him out [of the bathroom], and we find Larry has some pretty definite ideas on a number of subjects. Larry is in his "second" career, the first having been spent as a CPA.

Well. Let's get the party started, then! Here's hoping Larry is still alive and not a victim of Mad Cow disease or Alzheimer's. Sheesh. And, Yuck.

Metanoia

Very dismayed re our elegant President Obama's speech outlining his decision about Afghanistan. More troops, harder war effort--but preparing to begin to leave in mid-2011. Got a "message" from Vice President Biden about it; "he" wrote, "It's a clean break from the failed Afghanistan policy of the Bush administration, and a new, focused strategy that can succeed." Really.

Really?

I think the only "clean break" could have been saying good-bye to Afghanistan and welcoming home our men and women who are currently engaged there. It's the most sensible solution. Matthew P. Hoh said it best--thoughtfully, with the perspective of both a Marine and a diplomat. Surely the President has read the lowly Hoh's letter. Surely, a huge portion of him agrees that this is the most sensible solution.

Watching him deliver his speech was unnerving. I don't think the cadets meant to nod off; they probably get up at 4 a.m. and the speech may have bled over into their bedtimes! I don't think it was a cynical thing, either, for the President to use this venue to outline what he had decided. (Yep, he's the decider now. With a Nobel Peace Prize.) And I don't think that Obama regards the military as his adversary. But I do think he's overwhelmingly ambivalent about this war. And the nation he leads is ambivalent. And if we're not wholly engaged (we're not--the "timetable" says so; we're not going to build the nation of Afghanistan; it is "beyond our responsibility, our means, and our interests")--if we're not going in wholeheartedly; if we ultimately just want to get out of there, well. . . then let's get out of there. Now.

A great many of the Afghan people are, uh, semi-pastoral nomads. This means that they're not interested in a strong national government. We in the United States do not understand them, and they do not understand us.

So here's what we can do. Instead of all that money pushed into Afghanistan through military engagement, we should surge money into our own Central Intelligence Agency.

We need a new spook shop. Something super duper secret. We're talking about the deepest cover imaginable. Deepest midnight-blue-with-that-hint-of-green-as-the-sun-rises ops. Something like the Agency for International Development (which was used by the CIA during the Vietnam conflict), but sneakier. Pour treasure into it; this is our security we're talking about, right? Pakistan is where we belong because Pakistan is where the bomb lives and cannot be consumed by the Taliban. (For me, listening to Obama pronounce "Pakistan" and "Taliban" was the best part of his speech.) Make it worldwide so we can recruit as many brown, blue-eyed people who need dental work as we can. Typical CIA field officer prepsters won't work for this. (But Cofer Black could come home to run it, maybe.) Make it worldwide so we can be everywhere--especially Europe and other shady places.

I don't think these people who hate us can be snuffed out. It's like trying to control the weather. The best we can do is try to be on top of it, everywhere. And raise up the women. Provide money for that, too, instead of military might. It's worth noting that there can be no "timetable" for this surge of intelligence. It will likely have to be a forever mission. But it's got elements of genuine humanitarianism. Worthwhile. Either that or resign to get attacked again and again 9/11-style--and we don't handle that sort of panic and death so well. It's hard to picture the U.S.A. "adjusting" to frequent acts of terrorism at home the way other nations have (Israel; the steely U.K.).

I am reminded of something a wise comrade texted to me: If something unkind is said about you, live as though no one will believe it. While I was listening to the President's speech, it occurred to me that maybe what he was describing--prescribing--was, actually, a new doctrine--the part (a teeny bit JFKish) about

not seek[ing] to occupy other nations and not claim[ing] another nation's resources or target[ing] other peoples because their faith or ethnicity is different from ours. What we have fought for — and what we continue to fight for — is a better future for our children and grandchildren, and we believe that their lives will be better if other peoples' children and grandchildren can live in freedom and access opportunity.

So let's do it. We have the communications technology. Special ops can sweep in and clean up quickly and quietly--a small yet necessary part of the strategy.

Okay, I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. (getting really audacious and dare I say logorrheic here) But the President doesn't seem to, either. Afghanistan: We need to git gone.