William Stafford

ASK ME

Some time when the river is ice ask me
mistakes I have made. Ask me whether
what I have done is my life. Others
have come in their slow way into
my thought, and some have tried to help
or to hurt: ask me what difference
their strongest love or hate has made.

I will listen to what you say.
You and I can turn and look
at the silent river and wait. We know
the current is there, hidden; and there
are comings and goings from miles away
that hold the stillness exactly before us.
What the river says, that is what I say.

- William Stafford



[Thinking of Neil and hoping he's o.k.]

Where the hell am I?

It's been a bad couple of weeks. Husband's job is on shaky ground, as apparently are so many others' jobs--unemployment has climbed to 10.3 percent nationally, higher for men and single moms. But that's a subject for another time. Right now, I want to discuss What I've Learned During My Week in the Rental Car.

Yes, I had to rent a car this week courtesy of the young adult man who ran into my real car with his '85 Chrysler New Yorker. This rental car's stereo system would not permit tuning in 91.5 KIOS, which is Omaha's public radio station that offers some good news and information programming in the morning. So I was thinking about the conversation I recently had with my brother who lives in Omaha and, remembering what he said, became a bit nostalgic for Gary Saddlemeyer and thought, Ah well--why not? Turn on and tune in to good ol' KFAB 1110--the superstation of my childhood! Maybe I'd get to hear one of those amazingly hilarious traffic reports I'd heard tell about.

KFAB is now a FOX news affiliate. I don't know when this happened. The morning program is a locally-produced call-in talk show of the politically right persuasion. Whatever. I got to hear the substitute host interview a gentleman from Iowa who heads a pro-gun rights organization there. This Iowan was relating an incident in which a student was expelled somewhere in Iowa for bringing some empty plastic shotgun shell "blanks" for show-and-tell. Whatever happened to personal responsibility--to the chance to explain yourself? he asked. This is why we need more charter schools, he offered. On the day I heard this program, the Supreme Court was getting ready to hear arguments for and against sentencing juveniles to life without parole. It would have been interesting to hear his thoughts on whether or not 13-year-old rapists should be locked up forever and ever. But I had to go to class.

And then--and then, as I drove away from campus to pick up the little ones, the radio still tuned to 1110 on the AM dial, what did I find myself listening to but. . . Glenn Beck. Glenn Beck's radio program. Now, I had seen Glenn Beck on TV back when he had a program on the Headline News channel. And I had seen a video of him someone shared from You Tube in which he hollered a lot about the treatment he received during his hemorrhoid surgery. But I really had no idea about the 9/12ers. I hadn't heard about the seeds, either; or the special emergency food. Vacuumed-packed meals for. . . for what? My best buddy told me that her elderly uncle has done this for years--stockpiled food. I understand the whole Cold War thing about stocking up on canned goods (don't forget to include a can opener!); but from Glenn Beck's show, I have now learned that it is a good idea to stock up on astronaut meals produced (?) and sold by one of his show's sponsors. I didn't learn exactly why this is a good idea, but I think--I suspect--it has something to do with a "revolution." I would really like to know: Why a revolution? and, Whose revolution? I am guessing it has something to do with the "direction" this country is headed and anger about that. And who is directing this country? I am guessing Glenn Beck would say it's our President, Barack Hussein Obama.

So it's all about the President. Here is what I would like to say to Glenn Beck: This is my country, too. And it's millions of others' country as well--millions of people who exercised their right to vote in 2008. And Barack Hussein Obama won. The bigger the front, the bigger the back. Also, Mr. Beck, here's a civics lesson for you: There are three branches of government in our constitutional system. They "check and balance" each other--remember that from fifth grade?

I would also like to request, sir, that you get over it. Calm down. Don't tread on our great republic--or on me--just because a brown guy got elected President (naturally brown, not orange like that Boehner guy who leads the Republican Party in the House of Representatives). Leave the man alone. You can disagree with him; and, please, by all means do! But the stuff you say is hateful, non-factual, and racist. AH, there's the rub. . . Right? Admit it. Your ilk is unhappy that the Executive is occupied by a man who's half Black. Your prodigious incitement of your audience towards committing unspeakable acts is quite transparent and breathtaking in its recklessness. 

If you want to collect nonhybrid seeds, fine. But how about sowing a little less hysteria and fear and a little more truth?  And about this "socialism" you speak of? In case you hadn't heard: The Cold War is over. I haven't done much international travel (less than Sarah Palin, even); but I've been to France, a "socialist" democracy. It's a pleasant place. And the people there seem to be living pretty happy, fulfilling lives. Maybe their focused, kind countenances have something to do with their knowing that they won't get bankrupt if they get really sick or need emergency medical care.

re: God

To believe in God for me is to feel that there is a God, not a dead one, or a stuffed one, but a living one, who with irresistible force urges us towards more loving. --Vincent van Gogh

Sequencing

Recently I have been interviewing for placement for practicum next semester. In order to complete my degree in social work, I must complete a 480-hour internship (worth 9 hours of credit).

I haven't been pursued the job market for 10 years. When I was expecting my first child, I had a career that I loved. I visited child care centers and tried to find good in-home care providers for the baby I was carrying. Even though the caregivers at these places were probably loving and skilled people (mostly women), what I saw and felt when I visited and searched was mostly sadness. And the amount of money I would need to pay someone to presumably walk through fire, if necessary, for my child was almost all of my paycheck--and, I sadly suspected, wasn't nearly enough. (If you really want to look at a society's values, follow the money. People who care for the loved ones of others--day care and nursing home workers--are not truly and fairly compensated for their work. Motherhood isn't counted in our economy at all; women who have children often have no choice but to work outside the home, and those who are able to be with their children full-time lose precious years of nest-egg building for their contribution to the well-being of society's future. (The cynicism of the GOP's nomination of Sarah Palin for the vice-presidency shined a light on the hypocrisy of the nation's attitude towards women in general and the Republican party's in particular. But I digress.)

I know that, when interviewing for a job (and what I'm interviewing for isn't a job, but an internship), there are certain questions prospective employers aren't allowed to ask and certain information prospective employees would be wise not to offer. It's part of the whole "personal is political" issue that surrounds women's lives more than men's. Even though it's illegal to discriminate based on gender, marital status, whatever, it is a fact that working mothers are probably more likely to have to scramble when their kids are sick than working fathers. So when interviewing, you keep that information to yourself. What I am wondering is, How?

I consider the time that I've spent being with my children (and admittedly I've been more of a part-time caregiver in recent years as I've pursued my degree; I'm very blessed in that respect and don't deny that earning a bachelor's degree is of great importance to me, perhaps selfishly so. But I love to learn, and I want to set an example for my children on the value of education) to not be wasted years. I believe I've nurtured an attachment to them that will serve my family well. And, perhaps, other mothers reentering the work force have an easier time negotiating the transition; for me, undoing the mistakes of my past has been a haunting theme of my journey. My status of mother is, for me, primary.

What I've found is that I cannot pursue meaningful internship placement without expressing the place my children occupy in my life.