A couple of weeks ago, my workplace was having a domestic violence fair of sorts. All kinds of literature were offered on tables around the hub of the first floor. The following was produced by the Nebraska Probation System. It is called RELATIONSHIPS: 16 suggestions that will help you conform to the principles of loving toughness in matters of the heart. Here it is:
1. DON'T LET THE RELATIONSHIP MOVE TOO FAST IN ITS INFANCY. The phrase "too hot not to cool down" has validity. Take it one step at a time.
2. DON'T DISCUSS YOUR PERSONAL INADEQUACIES AND FLAWS in great detail when the relationship is new. No matter how warm and accepting your friend may be, any great revelation of low self-esteem or embarrassing weaknesses can be fatal when interpersonal "valleys" occur. And they will occur.
3. REMEMBER THAT RESPECT PRECEDES LOVE. Build it stone upon stone.
4. DON'T CALL TOO OFTEN ON THE PHONE or give the other person an opportunity to get tired of you.
5. DON'T BE TOO QUICK TO REVEAL YOUR DESIRE TO GET MARRIED - or that you think you've just found Mr. Wonderful or Miss Marvelous. If your partner has not arrived at the same conclusion, you'll throw him/her into panic.
6. MOST IMPORTANT: RELATIONSHIPS ARE CONSTANTLY BEING "TESTED" by cautious lovers who like to nibble at the bait before swallowing the hook. This testing procedure takes many forms, but it usually involves pulling backward from the other person to see what will happen. Perhaps a foolish fight is initiated. Maybe two weeks will pass without a phone call. Or sometimes flirtation occurs with a rival. In each instance, the question being asked is, "How important am I to you and what would you do if you lost me?" An even more basic issue lies below that one. It wants to know, "How free am I to leave if I want to?" It is incredibly important in these instances to appear poised, secure, and equally independent. Do not grasp the other person and beg for mercy. Some people remain single throughout life because they cannot resist the temptation to grovel when the test occurs.
7. EXTENDING THE SAME CONCEPT, keep in mind that virtually every dating relationship that continues for a year or more and seems to be moving toward marriage will be given the ultimate test. A break-up will occur, motivated by one of the lovers. The rejected individual should know that their future together depends on the skill with which he/she handles that crisis. If the hurting individual can remain calm, the next two steps may be reconciliation and marriage. If not, then no amount of pleading will change anything.
8. DO NOT EXPECT ANYONE TO MEET ALL YOUR EMOTIONAL NEEDS. Maintain interest and activities outside the romantic relationship, even after marriage.
9. GUARD AGAINST SELFISHNESS IN YOUR LOVE AFFAIR. Neither the man nor the woman should do all the giving. Taking a girl to lunch, bringing her flowers, taking her places and expecting the same in return may not happen.
10. BEWARE OF BLINDNESS TO OBVIOUS WARNING SIGNS that tell you that your potential husband/wife is basically disloyal, hateful, spiritually uncommitted, hooked on drugs or alcohol, given to selfishness, etc. A bad marriage is far worse than the most lonely instance of singleness.
11. DON'T MARRY THE PERSON YOU THINK YOU CAN LIVE WITH; marry only the person you think you can't live without.
12. BE CAREFUL TO DEFEND THE "LINE OF RESPECT" even during a dating relationship. A man should open doors for a woman on a formal evening; a woman should speak respectfully of her escort when in public, etc. If you don't preserve this delicate line when the foundations of marriage are being laid, it will be virtually impossible to construct them later.
13. DO NOT EQUATE HUMAN WORTH WITH FLAWLESS BEAUTY OR HANDSOMENESS! If you require physical perfection in your mate, he/she may make the same demands of you. Don't let love escape you because of the false values of your culture. In the same vein, be careful not to compare yourself with others - which is the root of all inferiority.
14. IF GENUINE LOVE HAS ESCAPED YOU THUS FAR, DON'T BEGIN BELIEVING "NO ONE WOULD EVER WANT ME." That is a deadly trap that can destroy you emotionally! Millions of people are looking for someone to love. The problem is finding one another!
15. REGARDLESS OF HOW BRILLIANT THE LOVE AFFAIR HAS BEEN, TAKE TIME TO "CHECK YOUR ASSUMPTIONS" with your partner before committing yourself to marriage. It is surprising how often men and women plunge into matrimony without ever becoming aware of major differences between them. For example:
a. Do you want to have children? How soon? How many?
b. Where will you live?
c. Will the wife work? What about after children are born?
d. Who will lead in the relationship? What does that really mean?
e. How will you relate to your in-laws?
f. How will money be spent?
g. Where will you attend church?
These and dozens of other "assumptions" should be discussed item-by-item, perhaps with the help of a premarital counselor. Many future struggles can be avoided by coming to terms with potential areas of disagreement. If the differences are great enough, it is even possible that the marriage should never occur.
16. FINALLY, SEXUAL FAMILIARITY CAN BE DEADLY TO A RELATIONSHIP. In addition to spiritual and physical reasons, there are numerous psychological and interpersonal advantages to the exercise of self-control and discipline when it comes to sex. Though it is an old-fashioned notion, perhaps, it is still true that men do not respect "easy" women and often become bored with those who have held nothing in reserve. Likewise, women often disrespect men who have only one thing on their minds. Both sexes need to remember how to use a very ancient word. It's pronounced "no."
These suggestions are not guaranteed to win the hand of a lover, but they are points to ponder.
[Information provided by the NEBRASKA PROBATION SYSTEM, P.O. Box 98910, Lincoln, NE 68509]
Comment: Some of this is quaint; mostly it is a bleak and annoying attempt toward a sanguine approach to the modern marriage market. And if you think about it, number 16 trumps all, doesn't it? If one does get married, sexual familiarity follows. Right? Still, I intend to pass this along at some point to my children, because there is truth being told here. Worth sharing.
